TA Podcast Ep. 154 Breath by Breath: Turning Breakups into Breakthroughs with Brandon Groux

Leigh Ann: [00:00:00] Well, Brandon, welcome to The Accrescent podcast, The Accrescent community. I was telling you off air. I’m so excited when I came across your profile and the work you’re doing. I think it fits so well into what I do with my own clients. And then also the topics we love to talk about here on the show, but just first off, welcome.

Super excited to have you here.

Brandon Groux: Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. And I’m stoked for the conversation.

Leigh Ann: Yeah. Okay. There, I always love a, uh, an origin story. This is kind of what helps me wrap my head around someone because I think most of us, our journey didn’t start with where we’re at. I journey, you know, I started in public health and here I am doing Evox therapy and emotional work. It’s like so far from anything that I thought I was going to be in.

So as much as you’re comfortable, just sharing a little bit of what, right. got, brought you to this space. Um, and then we’ll kind of go from there.

Brandon Groux: Yeah, I completely agree. I had no idea or no intent [00:01:00] to be in this work and never saw myself in it. Um, I was in food and beverage my whole life pretty much until 2020. Um, I went to school for hospitality management. I wanted to own a cocktail bar. I worked at restaurants in Vail, seasonal jobs, and I love the industry, love spirits, and making cocktails and working with people.

Boom. Um, making sure they had the best night ever when they came to the restaurant that I was working at. And, um, that restaurant closed in 2020 during COVID. I bought a van. I moved into a van. I lived in it for three years up until last May. Um, and right before that restaurant closed in May of, I mean, um, sorry, in the fall of 2019, I was backpacking through Mexico.

And I was down there for six weeks and I had about a, Week left of my trip and I got the news that one of my best friends in the entire world had passed away unexpectedly

Leigh Ann: Oh

Brandon Groux: I was crushed. It was so hard to process while I was in Mexico, I was by myself. So at that point in [00:02:00] time, I was pretty much processing it in the only way I knew how, which was partying and drinking and numbing and doing every single thing I could not to feel the pain attached to that loss.

And then, um, I ended up booking this Airbnb. I had been staying in eight or 10 a night hostels for the previous five weeks. I was like, all right, it’s my last week. I’m going to ball out 40 bucks a night. So I found this Airbnb on the beach and it turns out when I showed up, it was actually a retreat center called Pura Vida in Yalapa, Mexico.

Leigh Ann: wow.

Brandon Groux: So I get there and there’s people there doing juice cleanses. There’s people there doing plant medicine. There’s people there, um, doing yoga, yoga retreat. And then there was also a breathwork facilitator doing a two week training course for people. I had no idea what breathwork was at the time. And I got to know her over a couple of days about what I was processing and trying to move through.

And she offered to lead me in a one on one breathwork ceremony and it completely changed my life. Um, I feel like I, I can honestly say, I worked through [00:03:00] what I would consider the entire grieving process in that one, one hour, the first half was just full of anger and sadness and guilt and all the pain.

And then midway through it shifted to just the state of acceptance. And he was gone, that there was nothing I could do to change that. Yeah. And then the second half was all, um, flashbacks and memories from childhood and grade school and high school and college. And, um, yeah, I came out of that experience just full of gratitude for having in my life for the time that I did and still feel that way about his passing today.

And it was all through that one breathwork journey. Um, and then fast forward six months, yeah, about. April of 2020 when the restaurant closed, I bought the van and, um, around that same time I joined a 12 week men’s emotional awareness program that was all virtual during COVID. And the founder of that was facilitating a very similar style of breath work.

Um, so that became like my church. It was every Sunday. It was virtual. [00:04:00] And, uh, yeah, I made sure I never missed a single one. And, um, through my own experience with the breath and seeing the other men that were in this container. You know, come back on after we did breathwork and share about their experience.

It was very clear that it wasn’t just me having these wild, life changing journeys and experiences and healing moments through the breath. It was all of us. Um, and through that work, it really sparked this, uh, this interest into wanting to support others. And I went through a couple of different breathwork certifications and, um, Working with.

One of the coaches through that 12 week program, um, one on one. Uh, so we did a little extended work and through that work with him, it was started to become clear that I could do what he’s doing for me, for other people. I’ve been working behind a bar my whole life and feel like I’ve been coaching, uh, while I was slinging people drinks.

So I was like, this feels [00:05:00] pretty right to me to see, explore this. And, um, yeah, I went through a couple of different coaching programs and the, uh, I had about two weeks left of one and started going through a breakup. And all of a sudden it felt like this clear path to, um, help support others that were navigating a breakup.

And luckily at the time I had a men’s group and I had a coach and I felt incredibly fortunate to have that support as I navigated that. And also that was in my head. I was like, if I don’t, if I didn’t have this, where would I be?

Leigh Ann: Yeah.

Brandon Groux: um, That led me to where I’m at today, you know, full time and in one on one clients and, um, facilitating breathwork and leading men’s groups and all connected to my journey.

Wow.

Leigh Ann: how, so I found Evox therapy. From an early stage breast cancer diagnosis at 25 and through that diagnosis went to an integrative cancer center They had [00:06:00] EVOX therapy there and it was so life changing for me that I was like, oh my gosh I think this is what I was meant to do

Brandon Groux: Hmm.

Leigh Ann: So it’s just wild how like some of the lowest lows some of the deep, you know, hardest moments Lead us right to where we’re meant to be, which is, you know, so cliche and yes, so

Brandon Groux: So true. And yeah, I’m so grateful for the experiences that I’ve been through that have led me to where I’m at. And, uh, I feel like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

Leigh Ann: And there’s some nuance to the work you do. You kind of touched on some of those different facets. There’s, Breath work, but then there’s a lot of work around showing up. I think in relationships, you focus a lot on relationships, whether it’s working with men specifically or supporting male, female through breakup.

So we’re going to get into a little bit of all of this today and we’ll kind of also see where it naturally leads us. But The breakup piece. I, even as I was writing the questions for this conversation, I was like, [00:07:00] what do I want to dive into so deep with him? Cause we could spend an hour just talking about breathwork, I’m sure.

And the impact you see there, we could spend an hour just talking about emotional availability. Um, But breakups are kind of a big theme in my life right now with clients I’m working with, with friends in my life, with myself coming out of a seven year relationship. And that’s literally happened within the last two weeks.

So I was, it’s so funny cause you know how we kind of like subconsciously avoid things. In my mind, I was like, we don’t need to go into the breakups. Let’s talk about breath work. Let’s talk about relationships. And I was like, Leigh Anne. You’re literally going through the biggest breakup of your life.

This person has come on the show. You would be an idiot to not talk about this with this person. It’s so kismet. So that’s a little bit of why I also wanted to go a little bit deeper into that one because it’s just kind of, I’m seeing it a lot with [00:08:00] clients and friends and then I’m also Kind of in the thick of it myself.

So with all that

Brandon Groux: you and me both. So let’s do it. Let’s dive in.

Leigh Ann: let’s peel back these layers. How are we going to start to heal from this? This is such a

Brandon Groux: I’m ready.

Leigh Ann: Um, well, the first thing that I, I kind of put down, cause this is very, very much how I feel about this for myself is how can we turn a breakup into a breakthrough? I think.

Brandon Groux: Mm

Leigh Ann: I kind of preface before all this is I work a lot with clients that are just stuck in patterns and they go from one relationship into the next and they’re finding all the same dynamics and patterns are showing up relationship after relationship.

And that could be, you know, in romantic partnership, friendships, familial connections, but what, what is a little bit of that process or even just a starting point of it’s a breakup. It can be a breakthrough. I know that’s really broad. So wherever, wherever you want to go first.[00:09:00]

Brandon Groux: Yeah, thank you. Um, and that was me too. Like I would, it was like one relationship to the other lily pad, the lily pad. Let’s do whatever I could to not actually feel the emotions that are attached to this, this loss, this breakup, the ending of it. And let’s just like fill that void with someone else.

And it never works. So I think the first step is really like slowing down, right. Taking the time to, to be single, to, to take that time for self, to reconnect to you, to not have anyone else in your life that you need to support or provide time to, it’s just like, this is the time for you. And when we get to slow down, and I think the biggest piece is for me, at least was really taking accountability for my, for my part in it, right.

Like what were my patterns that were, um, leading to these relationships, not working or not feeling, um, aligned anymore. And, um, I think as I [00:10:00] navigated those, it allowed me to get really clear on my part and then my desires for, for a partnership, right? Like when I pause and slow down and take the time to kind of what, what I do in my program too, is like really creating and empowering meaning behind, you know, This partnership, this connection, what it was here to teach us, what we’re taking away from it, what were the patterns that we’ve, we saw in it, what would still be at risk if we were in it?

Um, so all these things that we get to, to break down and learn about ourselves before we put ourselves back into the dating world, right? Because it takes time to heal from those connections, especially, you know, you’re moving through it after seven years. It’s a long time. It’s a lot of energy, a lot of love, time, investment, right?

So. the time to process and to heal. And there’s wounds that need love, right? And, and that’s, I feel like where the somatic work comes into play that, [00:11:00] that I facilitate the breath work. It is a deeply healing hour long journey, um, into an altered state of, or non ordinary state of consciousness where we can really tap into the parts of the body that store that trauma, that store the, All the emotions that are attached to that experience, that connection to that person.

And that’s why I started every single person off with a 75 minute breathwork journey as part of my

Leigh Ann: Oh, wow.

Brandon Groux: It’s like, no matter who you are, no matter what you’ve been through week, week one is 75 minute breathwork journey. Like let’s go right into it. And people come out of it. And it’s, it’s a lot of times it’s, it’s very clear.

Um, one that they’re so happy that that relationship was over actually, like they gained so much clarity through that journey and experience. Two, it shows like patterns of their own that they still need to work through and work on. And because of that, they’re able to express them. And [00:12:00] now we’re able to, to kind of curate the program based on what came up during the journey. Um,

Leigh Ann: Mm-Hmm.

Brandon Groux: think I was just gonna say a big piece for me is yeah, taking accountability in the beginning, taking time and space, right? Like time and space is the biggest thing that, that starts to heal, right? Time and space from that person, from that connection. So that we’re not constantly reminded of them, right?

So getting off their social media, stopping, stop checking. If they’re looking at your story, just block them. So it’s not a reminder, right? The more time and space that you can put between it quicker, in my opinion, the healing starts to begin.

Leigh Ann: And, and, and in that time and space, then we’re also actively doing some of this processing and reflection of Yeah. Why did it end? What were the patterns and dynamics I was contributing to [00:13:00] in some of that work versus I think sometimes, tell me if you see this too. I feel like. A lot of people coming in kind of regardless of the topic and feeling like, Oh yeah, that was, that was 10 years ago.

I’m over it. I’ve worked through it. I’ve processed it when really based on what I’m seeing and kind of the symptom, the life symptoms that they’re describing. I’m like, you’re so clearly, there is more processing we need to do here because you’re still stuck in all the same patterns. And so I feel like what I’m hearing though, is that intention, like, It can’t just be time away and then magically after six months, a year, two, whatever it is, we get back in relationship, the intention in that time and space.

Brandon Groux: exactly. The attention and the intention to figure out the why behind it, not working right. And the patterns. And like you said, sometimes I work with someone and they’ve just gotten out of, say a six month relationship. And they’re, they’re focused [00:14:00] on that one being the one that hurts the most, or that one being the one that they’re seeking support in processing.

And it is actually the one from 10 years ago that has caused all the patterns to lead up to this one. And that’s the relationship that we go back to. That’s the relationship that we try to process. That’s the relationship that was probably connected to this person because of some of those childhood wounds or abandonment issues or anxious attachment.

And then from that one relationship, the same thing, pattern after pattern continuation of attracting the same type of people into their lives.

Leigh Ann: Mm hmm. Do you find

Brandon Groux: done it too, a

Leigh Ann: I know, right. When you first start with someone, does it tend to be, okay, this present day turbulence we’re experiencing, that’s often how I refer to it. Let’s sit with this. The emotions coming up with this present day thing. Let’s kind of ground back in from that [00:15:00] present day experience.

And then from there, we start to go deeper into the patterning. The past stuff, what is actually keeping us stuck in these patterns. But that sometimes like when the emotions are so high, we just have to sit with those first.

Brandon Groux: hundred percent. And that is where, uh, my, my coach is saying, name it to tame it, feel it, to heal it. So you have to be able to, to name the emotion that’s coming up in order to actually feel it. And then when we get to feel it is when we process it and when we heal it. So, yeah. I think too, with the breath work, that is the biggest piece and that gets us to feel right.

And it’s no matter who you are, what walls you have up, what you’ve been through in the past. Like I do a lot of work with veterans with heavy PTSD, with incredibly high walls up, especially to this type of work. And like I said, it doesn’t matter who you are, the breath, when you surrender to the breath and to the journey and to the experience, it cracks [00:16:00] you wide open and all the emotions come flooding up.

And once you allow yourselves, yourself to open up to feeling those emotions, right? To feel them, send them love, and then we let them go, right? Part of the journey when we get to the culmination of the journey and the experience is this primal scream, this primal release. And I, I try to get clients to feel all the emotions that they are ready to feel so that we can finally let go, go of them because we don’t feel them.

They just continue to get stuck.

Leigh Ann: Yeah.

Brandon Groux: the work sitting in them, allowing them to move through the body and then they can be released and let go of.

Leigh Ann: Yeah. I am so.

Brandon Groux: it, if we do whatever, then we’ll never, we’ll never, Actually be able to let them go.

Leigh Ann: there’s this difference between intellectually knowing what I feel and then [00:17:00] feeling what I feel that you might see. And I, it’s so funny because I do this work every single day. I guide people every single day in understanding what they’re feeling and then feeling what they’re feeling. And yet with myself, so often I get so much into the intellectualizing of it.

Oh yeah. I feel, Betrayed because this happened and that goes back to childhood and da da da. And then I have to stop and go, okay, Leanne, I know, you know why you’re feeling this. Just feel it. Don’t try and, don’t even try and understand it. Don’t even try and change it just yet. Just feel it. But I’d love to hear a little bit more of your thoughts on that and what does it mean to feel it?

Brandon Groux: Yeah. Right. So I think, uh, what I was hearing too, is like, there’s that feeling that’s coming up and then you’re creating a story around that feeling, and then it’s really easy to get lost into the story. And it’s so easy to live in our heads and the [00:18:00] stories that we create, especially when it comes to, to breakups and at the end of them, we create all the stories of what we could have done differently, or if I would have just said this one thing different, everything would have been.

Um, and we get so attached to the story and not actually connect to the feelings that are coming up because of it. And the way that I process at least feelings is I take time, five minutes, sit down, eyes closed, going inward and just start to use the breath to bring up emotions to feel like you go into the nose for four seconds out through the mouth for eight to 10 seconds.

Dropping into the parasympathetic state with the breath and then just starting to feel what comes up and noticing where I feel them in the body, right? So whether it’s in my chest, my heart space, whether it’s in my stomach, my gut, wherever it is, and then I just put my hand over it, start to give it some love, rub it.

And then the biggest piece for me is asking, what is it [00:19:00] here? What are you here to teach me?

Leigh Ann: Mm.

Brandon Groux: before, if I’m feeling anxious, if I’m feeling stressed, if I’m feeling overwhelmed, it’s like, okay, what can I do to not feel this way? It’s like, Let me go to the gym. Let me go ride my mountain bike. Let me go skydiver base jump like I do.

And it’s like, let’s do those things. So I don’t feel right. But the more that we have the ability, the desire to connect to those emotions, the more that we’re able to understand them, the more that we’re able to connect deeper with our partners, when we can feel those emotions so that we can communicate to them.

We can communicate what we’re feeling to the people in our lives. If we don’t have that emotional intelligence and that connection to self, that’s where the disconnect comes in partnership. A lot of times we’re not able to actually express how we’re feeling in a constructive way

Leigh Ann: Mm

Brandon Groux: and we can’t receive our [00:20:00] partners for how they’re feeling because we haven’t gotten the ability to be able to feel on our own.

Leigh Ann: Yeah. Yeah. What I love too about what you’re describing is, in a sense, it is a process of stillness and going inward, but it’s also very different from what we might think of with traditional meditation, which is like, just clear your mind. Just go to a neutral zone. Don’t feel anything. Actually, I have very, very specific thoughts on some of that work and how it can be a little bit emotional bypassing to just always go straight to neutral. And so I love that there is such an intention behind, yes, let’s. Let’s tune out the distractions. Let’s tune out the noise and create stillness. But the stillness is there to listen, to witness, to hear what that inner self has to say.

Brandon Groux: Yeah. And the, the [00:21:00] biggest piece for me, that, that question of what are you here to teach me? Right? Like whenever I feel that anxiousness in my chest, and again, like something that I would want to run from whenever, when I can sit with it and ask it what it’s here to teach me, I get to build this connection to it.

I get to say, I feel you and that’s okay. And like, I’m here too. So there’s a little like pushback to it, but it’s, we get to build and flow with the emotion in a way that is, cause all of our emotions are here to teach us something. I truly believe that all are, there’s no good or bad emotions. just constructive or destructive responses to them as they show up in our lives.

So if we can have that ability to just pause and say, this is what I’m feeling. Name it. Okay. I’m allowing my body to feel it. What are you here to teach me? And then we get to flow from there in a way that is, I think, a lot more constructive and a lot more healthy. And from this place of response versus [00:22:00] reactiveness to it.

Leigh Ann: Mm hmm. Yeah, and self grace too is what I’m hearing of. It’s not, Ooh, my body hates me. That’s why it’s giving me this anxiety or my brain is trying to sabotage me with this anxiety or this anger or something. But no, this is a piece of me that is experiencing something. I’m going to tune in and listen to it with grace, with empathy, and hear what it has to say.

I love, I need, I think I need to take a little piece of yours of what, what do you have to teach me? Often the way I look at some of this inner stuff coming up is I often go to the inner child, like. If this was a young child, how could I show up for them? This young child that’s angry, how could I show up for them?

This young child that’s experiencing grief, how can I just show up for them first, you know? Versus like, if we think of that imagery of, let’s say a child is grieving the death of someone, which kind of is like what a breakup could feel like. If I come to them and I’m like, well, see, the thing is you’re grieving this death because [00:23:00] your father abandoned you when you were two and they’re going to be like, What are you even doing?

I just need you to be here for me.

Brandon Groux: Just love me.

Leigh Ann: It just, just hold me, make me feel safe. And so I often go back to that of let me start there and then once that soothing has happened, we can go into some of that more what I might call an expansive dialogue or expansive reflection. But I do really, really love this question that you’re presenting of and what are you here to teach me?

I think that’s That, that will allow so much inner insight to surface.

Brandon Groux: Yeah. Insight. And to go back to what you’re saying, like there’s so much love and support when you reframe it in that sense of activating and connecting to the inner child that needs that, that love and needs to be held and needs to feel safe to move through whatever they’re moving through. And, um, it’s actually a prompt that I use at the end of a lot of [00:24:00] breath works.

I’ll ask people to envision their childhood self. And then, um, you know, I’ll tell, I’ll ask them to tell them, tell them they are worthy, tell them they are enough, and then reframe it and receive those same words back from them.

Leigh Ann: Mmm.

Brandon Groux: healing that is to hear that from your inner, inner child. It feels connected to what, to what you’re sharing and, and really giving them the grace.

And sometimes too, I’ll, as I’m feeling into these things or processing, I think, uh, like what would my 80 year old self say to the current me?

Leigh Ann: Yeah.

Brandon Groux: How, how would he support me right now? He’s been through so much and he’s 80 now and he’s still crushing it and he’s lived through all these things. And what would he tell me right now?

And that feels a supportive as well sometimes.

Leigh Ann: Oh, so supportive. I, I love that. I often will [00:25:00] say like, if it, if I could talk to my most highest peaceful, joyful, safe, confident self, what would that self have to say in that moment? And it’s such a similar sentiment. So I love that. Okay. So many follow up, follow up places. I want to go. Um, I guess first let’s, let’s just sit with, so when someone comes to you, they’re going through a big breakup.

We talked a little bit about that starting point of we’re starting with breathwork and I do would love to get more into how you use breathwork as a part of this process more and more, but what does that flow for you look like when you’re working with someone consistently as you’re going through. You know, the days or the weeks together with this person.

What are some of the steps or the processes within that? And we might’ve touched on some of that a little bit already, but going a little deeper. Yeah.

Brandon Groux: everyone’s [00:26:00] at a different point though in their healing journey. So. What I definitely feel like I do a great job at is meeting people exactly where they’re at and what they need. And that is where the breathwork journey really helps with it.

A little bit more about this specific, specific style of breath and the flow of it. Um, what we get to do is through this breath technique, we essentially slow down the prefrontal cortex of the brain during it. It’s where the ego lives, where the concept of time lives. It’s the part of the brain that never seemingly shuts down or shuts up the monkey mind. And when we slow that down, we drop out of the analytical critical thinking mind and into the feeling body into the heart space, which is why breathwork can be and is so emotional. I mean, I cry pretty much 100 percent of the time I do a breathwork journey. It’s not necessarily attached to like a specific trauma or experience.

It’s just the body’s opportunity for release and for letting go. So that’s what happens. And some [00:27:00] people laugh the whole time, right? Everyone’s different and everyone has their own journey and experience. But, um, so I do start everyone off with the breathwork, um, following that up, kind of like create a winning warning routine for people.

Uh, it’s like, how do we shift the focus from the breakup back to you, back to finding motivation, setting goals. So. Morning routine is huge for me, especially when I’m moving through any hard times. Like I know that I’ll get stuck spiraling stuck in my head if I don’t have those tools. If I’m not, you know, waking up, taking a two minute cold shower, sitting down, doing 10 minutes of breath work, five minutes of meditation and journaling.

Like if I don’t have that, I’m stuck in my spiral. I’m thinking about them. I’m thinking about what I could have done differently. And, um, the focus is on external and not on, on me, not on the internal. And that’s. Where the journey that’s where that’s where this healing path is about [00:28:00] is coming back to self So getting people a winning morning routine that they can find focus in that they can find motivation with that gets people out of bed Like in that first couple weeks, it’s hard to find that motivation.

It really is So, how do we get people out of bed? How do we get people motivated through a morning routine? Then by, uh, yeah, week two, it’s like we’re diving right into the relationship dynamic, creating the empowering meaning behind it. Um, it’s the time for, for people to journal about that partnership, that connection.

Um, it gives me the chance to then learn more about the relationship and the patterns so I could better serve the clients and what they’re looking for. Also at the end of that, we do a burn ceremony. So I invite them if they, if it feels connected to their journey is to, Go and take that story that you wrote down and go have a little letting go and burn ceremony.

Um, this is a time for releasing, [00:29:00] for, for energetically clearing that person from, from you for now. So, and people’s feedback are always like, no, I thought it was, I didn’t think it was going to be that impactful. And it is very much so. Um, I followed that up with, um, IFS work, some internal family systems work.

So we do a little breath work, meditation, meditation, and then. A lot of the things that usually come up based on the past relationship are related to childhood, are related to a time and experience when their parents, their primary caregivers, weren’t there in a way that they needed. And so as we get older and we, we, those, we seek that wound or that void to be filled through intimacy, through.

Intimate connection and partnership, and that’s a lot of responsibility and weight to put on someone. So it’s important to, to reconnect to that inner child [00:30:00] and to go back to that time or experience and show up as your adult self, right? So we get to, through this journey, we get to go back, connect to that younger version of self and really provide them with the love and the care that they needed.

And then. Not only provide them with that, but build this safety and security with them so we can take them out of their that experience. And now the inner child gets to come live with their adult self and find peace and calm with that adult version. So the first half of the program, um, you know, there’s other things that come up in this first half, really getting clear on the patterns.

Kind of like we do a recreation of, um, what healthy love actually looks like, right? So there’s blueprint one. This is what my parents told me love looks like. This is what society’s told me love look like. This is kind of patterns of love. And then we recreate blueprint 2. 0. Like, what do I actually need from a partner?

How do I actually want to show up in partnership? Right. [00:31:00] And recreating what does healthy love actually look like? What does that, you know, how much time are we spending together? All the things that, um, you want from partnership. So we get to start to create that. Um, first half of the program is more about healing in the past.

And the second half is. All about, yeah, really getting clear on that healthy love, your values, your needs. Your non negotiables for future partnership and when we can get really clear on the desires that we’re seeking from from a partner right, um It’s so much easier to recognize The red flags that show up when you are ready to put yourself back out into the dating world, right?

It no longer takes Six months or a year to figure out if this person and I are actually going to be aligned now Like the sifting through process is a little bit more defined because of what you know and what you’re Desiring from a [00:32:00] partner and the security that you have in yourself at this point And that’s my goal.

My goal after eight weeks Is for people to be deeply and resoundingly secure in who they are And what they offer to a potential partner that they will not Repeat those patterns from the past and they will not settle for less than they deserve As they go to put themselves out into the dating world to find and keep that healthy love that they’re seeking

Leigh Ann: Yeah, the healing, the processing of it, and then the integration of the healing with all this work I’ve done. How do I embody that? How does that integrate? How does that translate into now the decisions I’m making as I go back?

Brandon Groux: Yeah, and there’s some people at that point, you know, we get to like week five or six And I have them do an exercise week four of like hey journal prompt is to think back to Right before we met, think back to our consultation where we’re at. And now think about [00:33:00] everything that’s shifted in these four or five weeks and how, how far you’ve come, how much work you’ve done.

And, and some people at this point, you know, week one, they’re like, I have one nothing to do with the opposite sex or same sex. Like I want nothing to do with partners. Other I like nothing and then by week six, they’re like i’m feeling pretty good Like let’s get out there. And so some people are ready to start to Explore and like start to consciously date starting to date with intention, right?

We create these intentions about what dating when they want to look like and some people are very much still in this like single on purpose Let’s keep connecting to self. Let’s keep filling my own cup and like, let’s allow that I’m open to it if it comes my way, but I’m in no way ready to go out and look for it or to even put myself in the dating scene yet, which is totally okay.

Um, but yeah, it’s just about having those tools to be able to navigate the flow of new [00:34:00] connections and recognize patterns as they come up, um, recognize the red flags. Right, and that’s something I know we’re going to talk about maybe patterns and something for me I I get and I see it in clients too like meeting someone and becoming very quickly attached And then creating a story and a future with this person right starting to envision what a future could look like with this person and then We get so stuck back into the story mode of it and so attached the potential future that doesn’t even exist But we’ve created in our head that we missed the the red flags As my friend Rina Martine, she would call them, I would see them as, Oh, they’re just bright pink flags.

They’re not necessarily red yet, but they’re red and it’s hard to see them when, when the blinders are on, when all we can think about is the future that we’ve created with them already. And that’s definitely a pattern I’ve seen in myself and I see with [00:35:00] clients a lot as well.

Leigh Ann: yeah, it’s like we, we meet them. I, I, I, and I’ve painted a whole picture, I’ve painted a whole picture of what this is going to look like, you know, a month or two, a couple months into it and kind of having to step back and go, hang on, I’m not going to paint the whole picture. Let me just start with one brush and this little part of it.

Um, as we start to see that it unfolds, I’m very visual. So I use metaphors all the time. Yeah. I think a

Brandon Groux: love that. Yeah. It’s a beautiful metaphor.

Leigh Ann: I’ve seen in myself is. I want so deeply to be known and then at the same time hold many parts of myself back. And in a lot of ways there was a big progression here in this long, longer relationship.

But I think where it started to go was all the parts that I knew he would criticize or critique or have an issue with, I just started to shudder them [00:36:00] in rather than just continuing to be fully authentically myself and let that cause turbulence, if that makes sense. It’s like, Ooh, I know that this part of me will cause turbulence here.

So I’m going to shudder it in to protect the peace. But then that takes you to this place of, yeah, there’s all these repressed parts of me that really want and need and deserve to be protected.

Brandon Groux: It’s a hundred percent to be seen, to be loved, to be received for who you actually are. Right. Like I think that, and, and what I hear there too, is like in order for you to be seen and to feel safe enough to be seen, right? Like that’s where the safety in the relationship has to be there. Right, because otherwise it leads to repressing who you actually are and leads to walking on eggshells and [00:37:00] leads to, can lead to resentment towards the other person, right?

Because you’re not, they’re not allowing you to be seen. Um, and then some, yeah, just like, yeah. I know I felt that I felt shame and guilt for hiding those parts of me that that I wanted to to shine that I wanted to be loved for and not feel like I needed to repress in order to you know, Gain the or seek the approval from or acceptance from someone else,

Leigh Ann: Yeah. Yeah.

Brandon Groux: right?

And I think it can be felt right like Were you feeling that like what what were you feeling? What as you Noticed you repressing those parts of yourself

Leigh Ann: I think probably shame. And then really like a betrayal of self of, there was the inner part of me who was like, you’re not honoring me. You’re not protecting [00:38:00] me. And I use that word protecting a lot. I don’t mean like from physical harm or danger, but just this inner self. It’s like, I deserve to be seen, heard, and witnessed.

And you are, You are playing a role in that not happening. So I think the biggest part for me was that self betrayal.

Brandon Groux: Mm. Yeah. So, and then it’s like getting really clear, I think on what parts didn’t get to shine and then knowing how sacred they are to you and saying like, Hey, like, as whenever you’re are ready to put yourself back out there. It’s like, these are the parts of me that I, that I am desiring to be loved for.

Right? Like I need someone that will love me for each and every part of me. Yeah. And that starts with the safety that you get to create with that person.

Leigh Ann: Yeah, and, and to that point of how did I co create this dynamic, I think if we want to get like real deep into my patterns here, [00:39:00] I, from some of the like early childhood trauma I experienced, there is a deep belief of people aren’t safe. And if I do be fully authentic, I’m going to get so deeply abused and hurt.

And so I, you know, even in these last two weeks, reflecting on this relationship, a part of me was like, how did we get seven years in and now it’s finally ending? Like what happened? How did I let it go on so long? And not that it was like terrible the whole time, but in reflecting about how did I co create that I, if I’m being totally honest, I think there is a part of me that as the emotional distance got created, there was a part of me that actually felt really safe in that of like, oh yeah, okay, now I don’t have to be vulnerable and risk him not being able to show up. And. Cause that would hurt so deeply if I was [00:40:00] like in such a pit of despair and I came to you for support and you weren’t able to deliver, that would hurt more than just this thing I’m feeling. And so in some ways, I do think I unconsciously let that like emotional disconnect continue to deepen and deepen and deepen.

Um, at least that’s the part I played in it. Of course, there, there were conversations around like, Hey, the level of emotional connection and vulnerability isn’t there. I’d like it to be there. But then at the same time, fully owning that, I pro I probably didn’t push that, prioritize that the way that I should have.

And if I had done that, I think the relationship would have ended. Much sooner.

Brandon Groux: Hmm. Yeah. And when you were explaining about that distancing, even though in healthy relationship, I think we’re looking for, usually for deeper connection, [00:41:00] right? But the distance in, in this situation from what I was hearing actually felt more comfortable. Because you didn’t have to be fully you because, and you could just kind of continue to skate along with this distance.

Um, and, and we’re wired for connection, right? And even if the connection, um, it’s not all that we’re seeking. It’s still, sometimes it just feels good enough. And now there’s this space that you’ve created. Now it feels a little bit more safe, actually. So I’ll just like go with this flow, even though I’m not having my needs met totally, and even though I’m actually, You know, dimming a lot of the light and the parts of myself that I love and desire, like it kind of still feels safe enough. And then what happens and it’s been this long, so I don’t want to start all over. Right. And I see that all the time. It’s so easy to get stuck in this. [00:42:00] Like comfortable enough space and it’s like fuck. I don’t want just comfortable

Leigh Ann: Yeah

Brandon Groux: I want I deserve. I know I deserve so much more than just comfort and just some decent amount of stability Right, and so do you we all do We deserve like the deepest sense of love and connection as deep as we’re desiring to go.

And maybe for some that looks like sharing everything and being super open and vulnerable and having the safety to be in that and having the safety to hold that for your partner. And for some people like connection for them is like a lot more surface level because that’s all they, that’s the depth that they know about themselves.

They don’t know how to be vulnerable. They don’t know how to open up. They don’t know how to express their feelings. Thank you. So the depth for them is a little bit more surface level. And for some people that is enough

Leigh Ann: Mm hmm. [00:43:00] Yeah,

Brandon Groux: people like you and I, it sounds like it’s not,

Leigh Ann: Yes, totally. Totally. I remember just kind of sitting down with myself and being like I don’t I don’t I really don’t Need a relationship. I’ve thought this my entire life I’ve never thought about dreamed about getting married or a wedding, you know, all those things.

It was like I I I’m so deeply satisfied on my own and I’m so grateful for that. And so it kind of hit me where it’s like, okay, I don’t, I don’t need a companion. Some people do. And some people that’s all they want is a companion. And again, there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s not what I want. If I am going to be an intimate partnership and share my life, it better be.

Extraordinary. And, and so with that, it was kind of like, I am for sure settling in a lot of ways and like being able to, you know, the last few months, like the deep conversations we were having were around. Hey, [00:44:00] the emotional connection isn’t there. I know I’m contributing to a part of this and I’m willing to make those shifts, but where it ultimately obviously led us to the separation is him saying, no, I’m not willing to make those shifts to have that deeper connection.

So it’s there, you know, I have so much peace and knowing that this is right. This is meant to be. But in terms of that, like turning a breakup into a breakthrough, I also know one of the big things I need to do a lot of work around in, in the closing of this chapter is the safety in deep connection. And this is a theme for me with friends, with family of, it’s very hard for me to receive.

That connection out of like some of this deeper subconscious fears. And so I know that’s work I need to do going into the future. Yeah. Leanne, if you want this thing, you have to create the subconscious safety around it. Cause otherwise your subconscious is always going to try and choose the option it deems safest.

And so there’s like this inner [00:45:00] conflict of a part of me is, Ooh, I want this connection so deeply. And then another part of me is like, Oh, but it’s so dangerous. So,

Brandon Groux: think too, when it comes to being willing to put yourself back out there to the danger, right. It’s like, it is knowing that when we put ourselves and we open ourselves up to people, like there is that chance that it’s not going to be, it’s not going to work. And knowing that like, that’s okay too, right?

Like I think it’s, um, cause otherwise

Leigh Ann: it doesn’t

Brandon Groux: how do you re yeah, it’s safe if it doesn’t work, right. Um, and, but yes, building safety, um, I think is the number one thing that I know that I’m seeking right is, is a partnership that is safe for what that looks like to me is open communication. What that looks like to [00:46:00] me is the reassurance in what we’re creating.

Like I definitely. I feel secure in who I am and what I offer. And I would tend to lead lean a little bit more towards the anxious attached side, if we’re talking about specific attachment styles. And, um, so yeah, like what I need is, is some reassurance in like what we’re creating and what we’re, you know, where this is going.

And I think what I was navigating in my last connection with this person, it was. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I was desiring and I was able to speak to it clarity. And that potentially was too, too much for them. It was maybe felt like too much pressure or like the weight of it. And I think as my processing came into play, it was like, Oh, I did it again.

You know, too much pressure, too much all in.

Leigh Ann: hmm.

Brandon Groux: And that was, um, but the more I sat with it and [00:47:00] the more, and what I agree with, with myself is that to the right person that is ready for that type of love, that type of commitment, that type of desire to create safety and partnership, it is not going to be seen as, as pressure.

It’s going to be seen as attractive

Leigh Ann: Yeah.

Brandon Groux: to the right person. And I, and I think when I work with clients too, who feel this almost like too needy or like. They don’t want to express their needs because they feel like they’re being too much. It’s like to the right person, they’re going to, their, their deepest desire too, would be to fill those needs for you, to, to create the safety for you, to be that love, to create the container for you to be open and to be vulnerable, to express and to be held like to the right person, that’s going to all be so attractive and to the wrong person, it’s going to be too much.

And maybe it was too [00:48:00] much for that person. And maybe they weren’t. Enough for me at the time, right? They weren’t not that they’re not enough, but they weren’t doing enough. They weren’t showing up enough. They weren’t able to meet me in my desires and that’s okay.

Leigh Ann: Yeah.

Brandon Groux: I keep reminding myself and my clients, we’re not for everyone and everyone’s not for us and that’s okay.

Leigh Ann: Yeah Yeah, but we can’t edit ourselves to because I do think and I see that so often as well the immediate self critique of ooh It’s turning them off. They’re they’re pulling away. It must be me. I’m too much I’m et cetera, et cetera. And, and of course there is nuance there of, yeah, if I am bringing certain patterns that I do need to look at and shift and balance out, of course, we’re going to take ownership of that.

But then to your point, a hundred percent, if someone’s coming at you saying like, This is what I experienced. What you’re looking for doesn’t exist. What you’re looking for is not [00:49:00] realistic. Is not possible. That, like, even in that moment, I was able to go, No, that’s a you thing. Or at the very least, if it

Brandon Groux: call that gaslighting.

Leigh Ann: I’d At the very least, if it doesn’t exist, I would still rather have nothing than vanilla. You know, but yes,

Brandon Groux: what I’m talking about. Don’t settle for that. Vanilla. This. I don’t

Leigh Ann: never liked vanilla. Never.

Brandon Groux: Hmm.

Leigh Ann: Okay. Do you have a, I just want to ask really quickly, do you have a hard stop at four 30? Okay. I don’t want to take us too far over cause I want to be respectful of both our times, but I would really love to spend a little time deeply on breath work specifically, maybe just like five, 10 minutes because, and I put this in the questions for you. I, I, Refer breath work to my clients all the time, because I really do believe we’re so bioindividual and [00:50:00] what works for one might not work for someone else.

So as a part of like helping equip them in the practical day to day life to this, to support themselves, I might. You know, send them vagus nerve exercises, nervous system practices, somatic flows, breath work, EFT, all the things. And yet, I have never found breath work to be particularly impactful for myself.

But even as you were talking earlier, you said something that made me wonder, Ooh, I wonder if this is what that is, the reason for that, because I’ve always Looked at breathwork or seen it used in a way that I might categorize as a soothing technique. Oh, I’m feeling anxious Let me slow my breathing down to soothe my nervous system.

But the way that you were describing it It’s like a solving technique. Let’s use breathwork to allow things to surface and I’ve never seen it Or had it used in that way before?

Brandon Groux: Yeah. [00:51:00] So this, I mean, breathwork is a very broad term, right? There’s so many different styles, flows, things that you can use it for this type of breathwork. So I call it aura breathwork, A U R A, and I basically combined different styles or it’s, it’s one breath technique, which is in and out through the mouth.

And we do a belly chest exhale. So it’s like 70 percent in the belly chest and then exhale. And

we do that for 35, 40 minutes straight. with some breath holds in between. But what we’re actually doing, the breath technique is activating to the nervous system. Essentially what we’re doing is putting the body into fight or flight, consciously putting the body into fight or flight state from this state.

This is the, whenever we’ve gone through some past traumatic experience or an experience that has had a lasting effect on us in some way, shape, or form, the body was in fight or flight. The [00:52:00] sympathetic nervous system was activated. So in order to actually connect to the emotions that are attached to that past experience, we have to put the body back into a similar state.

Leigh Ann: Hmm.

Brandon Groux: The difference is that we’re doing it in a space that is physically safe for people to feel those emotions, right? And safety is key to this. Safety is key to everything in life, right? Relationships, but majorly in breath work, right? To trust that you are safe to, to be able to experience whatever emotions come up, because that’s how we’re going to be able to heal them.

Also in the flow of this journey, we start nice and slow. It’s like more of like this active meditation with the breath. And then we pick up the flow as the, as the journey continues, the intensity, the music increases, the flow of the breath increases. So with that active breath technique, we’re activating the sympathetic [00:53:00] nervous system, putting it back into kind of like fight or flight in a conscious, very conscious and safe way.

Throughout the flow of the journey, we do some breath holds. And when we do breath holds, we hold on empty. So releasing all of the oxygen and then the CO2 levels in the body start to rise, and they create a very calming sedative effect for the nervous system. So it kind of like reminds the body that it’s safe throughout the flow.

So we activate, activate, activate, come back down to safety. Activate, activate, activate. And when we can reach this cadence and flow with the breath, that is when we enter into it’s, there’s a fancy word for a transient hypofrontality, transient meaning temporary, you can go in and out of it, hypo, the opposite of hyper, so to slow down.

And what we’re down regulating is that prefrontal cortex of the brain that I mentioned before. I have people all the time that, Oh, I have ADHD. Like I could never sit and breathe through an hour. Like this actually has the most impact for people with ADHD. ADHD or ADD because that part of the brain that never [00:54:00] seemingly slows down, shuts down and they get to relax into it, right?

So, and, and through the journey, it can be intense, like, but again, it’s that, that reminder and coming back to the safety, safety in yourself, safe to feel the emotions that are coming up, safe to process them, safe to let them go, right? And a lot of times, especially people with Um, we’ve seen and been through a lot, heavy PTSD.

I make sure people, they have to tell me before we start breathwork that they are physically safe. They have to admit to me. Yes, I agree that I’m in a physically safe space, right. To be able to feel whatever emotions come up. And when we go, especially with one on one clients, like understanding and knowing their intention for what they want to work through, right.

Oh, I have this specific trauma. Great. Let’s feel into the emotions that are attached to that trauma, that experience. I’m feeling rage. I’m feeling anger. You know, I’ll choose songs that are intense [00:55:00] and might promote and provoke some anger and some rage because that’s the emotion that I want them to get to feel.

And we get them to feel that emotion before it all leads to that primal release. And I give people that chance. I say, this is your chance to just give a voice to whatever it is, whether it’s a scream, a yell, a roar, a hoot, a hollow, whatever it is, just give a voice, let that shit out and let it go. And it feels amazing.

And then we come back down to like a Shavasana like state for the last 10 minutes or so, and I read a poem to close it out.

Leigh Ann: I love that. It sounds like a trip, like a literal trip.

Brandon Groux: It it, it is like we can re can reach states that you can through plant medicine without having to take anything. And, and I’m a big believer and proponent and, and supporter advocate of plant medicine and. When we can get to those same states and [00:56:00] have similar healing experiences and journeys as you can with plant medicine, just through your own breath, right?

It truly allows people. I’ve heard it all the time. People that have done psilocybin ayahuasca ceremonies, like they’re, they know that it’s just the breath. So it allows them to relax even more. And with that relaxation, that’s when we get to access trauma that’s stuck and stored in the muscle and the fascia of our body.

Through that relaxation, we get to allow it to move and to process and to be let go of out of the body.

Leigh Ann: Yeah. Oh my gosh. Like so many other places I want to go with this conversation, but I will honor both

Brandon Groux: We can have a heart too.

Leigh Ann: Yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s so many things I want to talk about. Um, with that said, please share. Well, first of all, let me just say, yeah, that makes me really excited about breathwork. I want to, I was looking through your social media, both your business and your personal, so I I’ll go deeper [00:57:00] into that to kind of check out what you’re doing.

And I know, you know, So you do one on one work, you do group classes, which look amazing. Those in person workshop looks phenomenal, but just so the audience knows, and it will also be linked in the show notes, but where can people find you? Where can they go if they want to learn more?

Brandon Groux: Yeah. Instagram. Uh, first and last name is Brandon. gru. G R O U X. or a breathwork, a URA breathwork. Um, I also have a facilitator training course. So teaching other coaches, therapists, facilitators of healing that have an offer, or if they’re just starting at the ground floor and want to start sharing this medicine with the world.

I do have an eight week, one on one breathwork facilitator training course. Um, yeah, I created that to build not only a course to give people all the tools necessary to, to hold and facilitate this, this, this, um, journey for other people, but I wanted to build a community around it, a community of facilitators that are going out there and sharing this work [00:58:00] and this medicine and a community that, you know, can, you can lean into when you have questions, when you’re curious about how to expand your business and And that’s exactly what’s, um, it’s come to.

And so I’m super stoked about that. And, uh, yeah, those are the main places where you can find me, um, or a breathwork and Brandon dot crew at Gmail, or, I mean, I’m not a GMR. That is one of my email addresses, but, uh, Brandon dot grew on Instagram.

Leigh Ann: Well, now you guys have got that as well. I love it. Like I said, I’ll make sure it’s all linked in the show notes. Thank you so much. This was super, super profound. I really appreciate just your time, but also the vulnerability. I think it’s so fun to get to share some of our personal experiences and do a little back and forth there too.

So thank you so much.

Brandon Groux: for having me and I appreciate the way you showed up and the way you shared and yeah, it’s not easy to share our own stories, [00:59:00] but I think it’s really impactful when we get the chance to.